Love Me a Little…But Just a Little

This story made me laugh so hard that I spewed egg salad on the person who told it to me. The story involves a guy, a “frisky” dog, and a bath tub – the sellers’. At first I didn’t believe it could be true, but after checking with my dog’s vet, I found out it could have happened indeed. Just be glad this did not occur at your open house. But I would have given anything to have been there!

Not All Rules Were Made to Be Broken 

Jeff was hosting a Brokers Open at his neighbor’s house, which he had just listed. The sellers had recently purchased a new dog, a young German Shepherd, whom the seller left in a cage for open house day.  As Jeff was setting out listing sheets, he found it difficult to avoid the doleful eyes and the sad whimpering of the cute little canine. Although the seller had left directions that the dog be kept in the cage, Jeff, being a dog lover, decided to play with the dog briefly before his guests arrived. Having been a dog walker in college, he felt confident in his ability to control the playful pup.  Note: Jeff is a dolt.

Just as the first arrivals opened the door, Jeff  was putting Frisky back in the cage when the dog bolted. The other agents immediately closed the door so the little guy could not escape, but little did they know that they would become the victims of Frisky’s, uh, “excitement.”  (Cue the music from “Jaws,” please.) Frisky did not run away from the agents. Noooo, he ran toward them. With overwhelming energy. And urine spewing. And tongue dripping. And paws galumphing. And uncontrollable libido. For the agents, the excitement was just beginning. 

Getting a Leg Up on Things 

Frisky was a humper. An uncontrollable, undiscriminating, indefatigable, obsessive, non-stop humper. And did I say he humps? He humped the chairs, the sofa, every leg he could corner, the sofa pillows, the foot stool. He would have humped himself if he could have. Nothing was spared. The agent tried to gather him up, but the more Frisky was chased, the more excited he got. By now, more agents had arrived, and no one seemed to appreciate the affections of the little dog. If the amorous pooch had at least offered his victims dinner and a movie, he may have scored a few points, but Frisky believed in the direct approach of “I sees it, I wants it, I mounts it, and then I does it again.” (Note: He may have been Charlie Sheen’s dog, we’re not sure.) 

One of the female agents was gently pushing Frisky away when she yelped, “Ewwwe, he’s got an erection!” Well, it’s true, this happens folks. Now, we’re talking a big, over-grown, friendly puppy here, and this is a normal, healthy thing, so don’t be offended. But I doubt that this form of entertainment is part of Martha Stewart’s instructions on how to entertain one’s guests. 

Nature Takes Its Course 

Jeff had no choice but to shoo everyone out of the house so he could take back control of his territory. He was obviously losing the pis__ing contest, so he decided he was going to let Frisky know who Alpha dog was.  As it turns out, it sure wasn’t Jeff.  Note: Jeff is more than a dolt, he’s an idiot.

Jeff asked a co-worker to pick up his signs, and he closed down the open house. After the last person left, he chased the dog into a corner and faced him down. Jeff gently picked up Frisky, threw him into the cage, and set about straightening the house. As Jeff wiped up urine puddles and applied First Aid to the assaulted pillows, he noticed that Frisky seemed agitated and was whimpering a bit. When Jeff decided to check on him, he noticed that Frisky was still feeling, well, “Frisky,” if you will. 

There’s a Solution to Everything…Though Perhaps Not a Good One 

Time passed, and Jeff wanted to re-open for caravan, but the plight of the little guy was too much for the sensitive agent to bear. He imagined himself in that situation, and decided that a half hour of “excitement” was enough of a good thing, especially by his own meager standards. 

Jeff, still harboring delusions of being an expert with dogs, removed the “alert” pup from the cage. He locked the door and then took Frisky into the bathroom. Speaking to Frisky in a soothing voice, Jeff filled the bottom of the sunken shower while he slipped out of his shoes, socks and slacks. Jeff then stood in the cool water with the dog while Poor Frisky cooled his jets, so to speak. 

Just when You Thought It Was Safe To Come Out… 

Jeff splashed cool water on the little guy’s privates and told him what a good boy he was. It was only after a few minutes of water therapy that the hair on the back of Jeff’s neck stood straighter than any part of Frisky had ever been. 

Suddenly Jeff turned around, and there was the owner staring curiously at pant-less Jeff, squatting in a shower with friendly Frisky. His eyes went from Jeff’s pile of clothes, to the shower, to Frisky, and back again as he tried to make sense of the entire scene. Frisky was delighted to see his master, but Jeff was speechless, wondering how he could ever explain the series of incidents that had led to such humiliation and degradation…not to mention possible incarceration. 

Even a Pervert Can Get a Break 

After a few pregnant moments of silence, the owner keeled over with laughter. He explained that he had driven past the house to check out the activity and was worried when he saw the signs had been taken down. He also informed Jeff that the reason he had told Jeff to keep the dog in the cage was not for Frisky’s protection, but for everyone else’s. He assured him that it had happened once before, and that the vet said the dog was fine and that his prolonged excitement would not hurt him as long as it wasn’t too prolonged. 

For Jeff, however, the incident was ongoing. The next day at the office, he found a picture of himself with a smiling dog superimposed on his leg and the caption, “I give good open house.”  And after that, every time his neighbor saw him, he would call out, “Hey Jeff, Frisky misses you. He says you never call, you never write…”

Author’s Note: No animals were harmed in the re-telling of this story.  And Jeff is an idiot.