Are You Networking or NOTworking?

Is anyone besides moi exhausted by the networking demands of our age? Quite frankly, I believe we are under the illusion that we are being social, when in reality we have become more reclusive. How many of you have fallen into the Time Suck Vortex, responding to virtual strangers who have somehow found your name on FB or Twitter? Have you ever wondered what you and that cyber stalker have in common besides bloodshot eyeballs? Honestly folks, didn’t you lose track of some of those yahoos a long time ago for a reason?

I remember a time when it was considered rude to drop in for a visit unannounced. Nowadays, every time I turn on my computer there’s a party going on in my room. No, I really am not a curmudgeon – I am just a sleep-deprived individual who knows that if I don’t show up at the party I will be considered a geek and I won’t get to sit at the lunch table with the popular kids. Aw, c’mon – you know I’m not the only one who feels pressured to be on the web party circuit. Be there or be square.

Additionally,  biz advisors insist that the cyber social scene allows us to “passively market.” I miss the direct approach: “List your house with me and I’ll work for you like a monkey on crack.”

Let Your Fingers Do The Stalking

Yes, I know – if I am going to rant about social networking, then why am I a blogger? Pot, say hello to kettle. But haven’t we taken it to excess? Some of my friends are too busy to go out because they need to answer FB messages, and others think they are going out because they are Tweeting someone Down Under. This is not reality, folks – this is virtual schmoozing! It’s about as intimate as kissing a light socket, but not nearly as scintillating.

Pardon my crankiness, but I am exhausted. From now on I am going to limit all FB friends to the Cast of Oceans 11-13. But please, even if you “friend” me, George and Brad – no pokes or nudges, I beg of you. What the hell is with the nudging? That’s like a noogie – and we all hate those. And dear God, please stop with the group invitations – I had enough of those from the Sigma Chi’s during college…and they almost lost their charter for that!

Let The Games Begin

Last week someone actually sent me a water balloon via FB. A water balloon! If it’s not filled with Vodka, why bother? Do I LOOK like I have time to play stupid internet games in the middle of my workday? I sent a Claymore Mine back. So much for a good time.

And what’s with the “points” you get on some websites? I can’t handle the pressure – it’s like getting graded. I’m convinced my eighth grade teacher is lurking in the Network Connection parking lot yelling, “What – only 12 points? You pathetic loser – I told you you’d never amount to anything. Here’s a water balloon!”

Hello – Anyone Home?

Okay, I admit, my blogging voice is now so high it can only be heard by dogs as I scream: “Put down those damn texting devices and look me in the eyeballs when I’m talking to you!” We have turned into a world of head-tops, where all we see is the crowns of bowed skulls staring down at supersonic mega-thumbs. I would think the dandruff shampoo people could use this to their advantage if they start a Twitter Trending Topic on Crust Cranium.

Hey – where are you going? I’m not done here! Am I the only one who has noticed that we have lost our language skills? There’s a whole new vocabulary out there that does not require Webster’s input. You can poke him all day and he’s not going to rally. We’re all so busy Tweeting and Friending and Linking and Tagging and Texting and Blogging that it should be a 3 credit course in school. We should let kids substitute it for P.E. What the heck – there’s no time left for showers anyway.

Don’t Go Into The Light!

Wouldn’t our time be better spent if we were out there prospecting and shaking hands? Here’s a novel idea – what if we were to actually volunteer for an organization rather than joining online like comatose sheep? Perhaps the fingers could dial numbers of old friends rather than stroke the keys. And here’s a radical idea – what if those flying fingers were used to learn an instrument, pet a dog, turn pages of a book (yes, they still exist), or write a letter to Grammy? Quite frankly, I think brewing up a batch of martinis and a cheese ball might be one of the most social acts of kindness I know.

If you’re still reading this, you’re in trouble. You need to join a twelve step program for Blog Tweakers. I’m working on a vaccination to help with the brutality of withdrawal. But if you can come up with a way to balance the Social Networking scene and a real life of friendships, social interaction and contribution, then please let me know. In fact, be sure to Tweet it and get the word out so we will ALL know.

Oops…did I just say that?